Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
