OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
