When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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