Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize