Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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