I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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