one two three fourrrrnication!
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
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I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
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Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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