A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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