i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Who died my cat blue again?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
