i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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