Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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