if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
