You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Ladies don't puke and tell
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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