I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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