I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Randomize
