The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
