He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
