I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
