The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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