did you get engaged???
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
