yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Randomize