just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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