I feel like abortions should bother me more
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
