just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
