Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
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If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
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He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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