Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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