flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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