Your face is a jimmy john
So is it bad that I'm using this 21 year old for his hot bod and utter naivety?
No its what 21 year olds are made for
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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