Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
