This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
