you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Randomize
