He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The dick lei will go down in squad history
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
