the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
