You're completely useless in the revolution.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
