I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm too high and old for this...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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