I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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