He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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