You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Blow job season was short but glorious.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
