Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
