well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
