In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
