grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
