someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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