textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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