I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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