Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
