I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
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