You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
