I just made out with a guy for $7.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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