I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
