I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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