I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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