i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
