Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
