i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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