If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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