turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
