I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
