You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
