It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
