I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
