I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
