you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
