I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
